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안녕하세요,이 클레어로 말할 수있다.
Hello, im as sweet as Choc E-clair ❤

"I'm just the mere shadow of my former selfishness. I crave the silhouette of your kiss."

Living in lies i wove for myself, i deceive myself to things. I dont feel the need to be too honest. It doesnt do me good or bad. I just live it with the kind of style i want. I confess to myself and you people at appropriate times. But at other times, i dont wanna care. 'Cos you dont seem to care too, why should I. I dont benefit from it right? i'm selfish, yes. But who's not. If you dont love yourself more, you'll end up losing. Do you want to be loser in life? I am sore about it. So I wont allow myself to lose out.

I feel more screwed than i thought i am. Not really screwed up in a sense that i've got no way out or something, and its just all the bittersweet feelings i'm having that's causing these thoughts, because actually i believe i'm happy, just that i'm feeling super confused, and so damn bittersweet inside.

today's math revision is damn depressing. i actually panicked over the dumb quadratic inequalities, realising last that we were not required to know it now :S

but i've decided that, no, my life's not a lie. i didnt lie to myself. it's the true me. maybe im way too imaginative, maybe im feeling overly-paranoid & inferior over trivial stuffs that's insignificant, maybe im really a bit less enthusiastic towards it? so which one is the answer? i really really need someone close to tell me. someone who knows what i feel, someone who can feel it, and someone whom i put my trust in her. but apparently, the someone is only me, myself and i. it seemed almost impossible to find that someone, or is it that the someone has not appear to label herself as "someone"?

More of the bitter, and less of the sweet. I don't know why i'm feeling this way, i'm starting to reminisce and reflect things that happened last year. I'm thinking so much again, but i think that's inevitable. to speak the truth, i wanted to change so much and i believed i've really tried to change to blend in with the surrounding. but still, there are some things that i still cant force myself to do, probably that's against my REAL PERSONALITY. Everyone mirrors a diff image in society, but ur traces of ur true being couldnt be hidden. I thought of keep improving and maybe even to the extend to "fake things" or to put it nicer, "learn"! and modify and package myself. i dunno if i've achieved, but deep down, i dun feel any sense of sucession. did i manage to at least improve it a bit? i dunno, and i really really wanna noe. how can i do better? how? why do other people do better? how did they do it? was it because that's how they are that aid them into this improvement? does it mean i can never improve to THAT extend? if no, when can i achieve that and not overdo it, or even, to not let it become something wasted and doesnt help at all. i feel down, emo, helpless at times. that explains why i tend to mood swing.

All this while, i was never able to stand being alone, because i fear loneliness, and i fear rejection, i detest criticism. i hate people for it. That's why...I needed someone. I can't be independent emotionally, i can't stand by myself. Now, everyone seems to be having problems.I started my 2008 like this, and now im standing here, reflecting and pouring out my thoughts, still feeling damn inferior. but this has driven me to this conclusion: I'M DETERMINED TO IMPROVE, I WANT TO CHANGE MY WORLD MYSELF.

I appreciate all my friends and family who care for me and whatever, because without you guys i'd probably be even worse off than this, even more screwed. yuejie, if to you, i seemed to be happy-go-lucky day to day, then you're quite wrong. 'cos i do mood swing quite often from period to period in a day. sometimes, i really dunno why. i think cos i think a lottttt into things? i let them bring my morale down, and so i dun have the enthusiasm. i sound down, i feel sad, but sadly, no one seemed to see, or maybe i dun wan ppl to see it. Or rather, i do want but most people just ignored. i do that too, so i expect to get the same back. I don't want to lie to myself about being happy anymore, if i'm sad, imma just show that i'm sad. That's why i'm posting this, i'm not trying to attract attention, but face up to reality. That's what i promised myself.

There's always gonna be more to life. I hope after i've come clean, i could have felt much better. Still, i did not really reveal the deepest secret in my heart, cos i dun wan anyone to know. Even my parents wont get to know, only me and my heart get to know it. Why? 'Cuz i dun wanna make myself sound vulnerable, weak, and beatable. I wanna stay firm and carefree. I dunno what's my image in others, but i just hope to improve it.

& so i say a little prayer. Things, please take a right turn for the better, don't screw up more. Everyone feels screwed right now due to the block tests stress, cca stress and other social stress. God, please let things improve for everyone. Dont worry, i still love my surrounding a lot, although i wanted to love myself more. That's why i care to pray for you. Up till now, you might be doubting the credibility of my words and so i say, i MEAN IT! Mark my words, i mean it! im not being hypocritical here. i mean every word i say here.

buhbye, have a nice first day in sch tmrw babes:D Comment Here (: (0) / back to top?